So what, I have to be a Jerk To Have a Relationship? The saying goes nice guys finish last...what about nice girls finish last? What is it with relationships?
The above title was the question my teenage daughter posed to me today. I said, why do you think that?
She goes into great detail about a boy she had dated...which I knew all about..how he loved this other girl so much, she was so great...blah, blah, blah...She said that he called her clingy because she brought him chocolate when he had to go to the hospital, (i remember that one) He said she was un-cool because she didn't drink (Hello...doesn't that make her a good girl to keep) and then...to top it all off...she bought him a really nice coat he had been eying for a long time for Christmas...His response...to dumb her the day before New Year's so he could hook up with the other girl... (click more to see the Vlog version of this...or to read more.)
This is a universal (okay grammar check I know an before a vowel...but an universal sounds wrong when I say it out loud...so I am going with it...grammar Nazi's be dammed!)...
This is a universal question. I think at the root of it we could say, "We find the love we think we deserve." BULLSHIT...
I think what it is that deep down..the nice guy or gal...thinks perhaps they can change the person. That love is a journey...a way to give someone something they have never had. They want to give the person love that in all reality probably isn't ready for it.
The nice guy and gal is saying, "Everyone is ready for love."
Oh how I beg to differ. You can call any number of boys that I dated when I was a teenager and they will tell you the same thing: "That girl is the Devil. The Devil I tell you." My mission in life as a teenager was to find and destroy any and all nice boys...I especially loved corrupting good church going boys...oh how they were my favorite. I broke many a heart, and hurt many a people....Am I proud of this (maybe a little, I mean there is still a tiny part of me hell bent on finishing off what I started...If you want to watch and know who I was...Watch the Movie Dangerous Liaison...I was Meryl Streep, or read Great Expectations...I was Estella.
If you were to say to me at the time: Oh you just need to meet the right guy...feel love...that will change you...that will give you what you need...I would have laughed, then of course tricked you into loving me so I could crush your soul.
Why did I do this? Besides being an asshole...Well to be honest I hated men, all men, they could do nothing right, no man...no woman...could change me. I wanted to destroy it was the only thing that made me feel alive.
So why did I change.... Deavan...my sweet baby girl who is now asking me this relationship question.
I was pregnant, lost in a way, and got caught up in a near miss of death, the adrenaline was so intense in this car wreck, Deavan kicked me from the womb...and BAM!!!! I was alive, I was saved...I was no longer evil...
Of COURSE I am not saying having a baby is a way to fix an evil soul...NO!!!! NO!!!! It is a moment...a life event that pulls this person back from the depths of hell.
Great...did I just tell the nice guy/gal.. that they are right...that they can change someone...
NO!!!! The moral of the story (or sentence) is that I change in a flash...but it came from within, no matter what anyone else did they could not change me...it was me that had to change...and thank goodness I did.
Okay...so step one, realize you can not change a person...it is better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you like garbage...YOU DESERVE MORE!!!
Step two: know what you want. Oh man, so many people don't know what they want. They may put together a list, but the list is almost unrealistic...I am not saying that you can't marry someone perfect...but man...Perfection is hard to find.
So the idea behind this one is to understand your inner wants and desires. When I understood that I wanted someone that treated me nicely, was a good father (defined MY definition of father) and someone I could talk to....Everything else fell into place.
Example: If you put, I want someone, six-foot-six, brown eyes, blonde hair, smart, funny, good job, nice car, nice house, reads philosophy loves sports, loves hunting, votes independent, cuddles every night, has a six-pack, runs, plays a musical instrument...
Well you get my picture...what you need to find is a core belief...my husbands and mine is that he wanted a "good" mother, I wanted a "good" father....notice I use the term good loosely...What we define as good others might find to be...well too relaxed...
Step three: Religion. Oh she said it...hot topic...oh goodness, even I get sweaty thinking about mentioning this one. Religion's is a hard one to tackle...is your dogma so strong that you will not be someone who doesn't believe in what you believe? Can a Mormon be married to a Catholic? Well it can be done, I know I have a close friend, they decided that first born child could be whatever they decided, second Mormon, and Third Catholic, ironically the second was a girl and third a boy...so what do you do...
I think that Religion should not get in the way of a relationship, however this is a bit harder for the Mormon person, as reaching the highest level of heaven is conditioned upon an eternal family...so this will be harder for a devoted LDS member..
So what can you do? I know a lot of LDS members that have married outside of the church...this comes down to your own heart. (Sorry, can't give advice on this one...but I would, if I were you...and LDS thinking of marrying a non- especially if you are a woman, talk to friends that have...and listen to yourself)
Step four: Don't lose yourself in the relationship. This is easy to do. We have all lied, we say we like football when we don't...we pretend to like something we hate...and why? Because we are afraid to be ourselves (this is not to say that assholes should not be themselves...so heads up, if you are a cruel, mean, spiteful person...maybe it is time to change your ways) We try to be someone else, then we wonder why a relationship didn't work out...be yourself, it may be hard, and it may take longer to find love...but when you do...It will be a great one..
Special note about step four: Love makes you a better person, it does, when you are in love you want to be the best you you can be...THIS IS THE KEY!!!! Be the best you...example: Do you drink too much...you know it is wrong, you know it isn't you...not really...so stopping drinking isn't losing yourself....Getting Bigger Boobs because the guy likes bigger boobs...is not becoming a better you.
In the end...the best advice I can give you is this: LOVE YOURSELF....BE YOU...BE THE BEST YOU...THE YOU THAT MAKES YOU SMILE.....YOU CAN LAUGH, CRY, BE MAD, SAD...BUT BE YOU!!!! At times it seems that crazy people always seem to get ahead, this may or may not be the case, but really, at the end of the day...you have to look yourself in the mirror, don't you want to smile? Don't you want to say: Hey, this is me and I like me?
Don't let others direct you! You are a special unique person....and you are love!!!! Hang in there...I promise...if a devil like me can change, become a "good" girl, and find love...you can too!
Though this is an Insurance Commercial...The message is very clear...and is kind of what I strive to be all about Now: